I Feel Like a Mess

I cried today for the first time in I don't know how long.

I went to the doctor today for a CT Myelogram to figure out why I am still having the same pain in my leg that my surgery was supposed to fix.  They stuck a needle into my nerve sack and injected dye.  They then did some X-Rays of my spine.  After that they stuck me in the CT scan machine for more images.  Then I hung out with my lovely love of my life and watched Price is Right (it always seems to be on while recovering at the doctor) and some Wife Swap before being wheeled to the doctor's office to look at my spinal sack.

I re-herniated my disk.  I went through a surgery, and all I got was one pleasant fucking day before the shit re-herniated. He told me of what options my regular doctor will give me when I see him on monday.  Basically, do the same surgery again, or have the disk removed and fuse the vertebrae together.  Still, another surgery.  When I found out it re-herniated, I almost lost it right there, but I held it together.  They wheeled me out, I joked a bit, we drove away, and I broke down.  Holly was the best and held my hand the whole way home, giving me loving support.

I am so sick of taking pain pills, but there is no way around it.  The last batch I had, Oxycodone, actually worked the best, but apparently changed my personality too much where I was a rambling, chatty way-too happy guy.  Once I realized that they were altering my personality enough for people to comment about it, I flushed them away.  Now I'm back on Hydrocodone, which barely works.  I combine that with Ibuprofin and some nerve drug I was prescribed that's normally used for seizure prevention.  So yeah, drugs, drugs, drugs.

Not to mention I can't do shit.  Physically I am not allowed to do anything.  My girlfriend just painted our bathroom all by herself.  She has also done a shit-ton of work on the yard because, guess what, we would like to live in a nice looking place, and our roommate, who doesn't even have a job, can't even do the dishes.  I would like to help with the yard and other projects.  I have ideas for the backyard that I can't even start because I can't even lift a fucking rock.  Apparently the only kind of projects I can work on are ones like this, that only require the use of my fingers.  I'll probably have to cancel our bands show later this month.  I'll probably have to drop out of Race for the Cure, depending on when I have surgery and what the recovery time is.

Worst of all, my last surgery used up all my sick and most all my vacation time.  This means that another surgery would use the last of my vacation, then I'm on FMLA pay, which is 60% of my pay.  When you are making less than 9.50 an hour, this sucks bad.  Not to mention I just created a whole budget (which you can read about here) so I can start a savings account, which I have never had, and get my  girlfriend the birthday present I want to get her.  Of course she says that she doesn't want or need anything for her birthday or Christmas, but for fuck sake I am trying so hard here to make things possible, and it probably means more to me than to her for me to just be able to give her a decent birthday present because she deserves it.  She has been so good to me and I don't know how I could have ever gotten so lucky.  And then this happens and it will probably throw it all in the shitter.

Is this what depression is?  I feel like the only thing keeping me sane and grounded right now is Holly.  I swear all day today I just felt like crying, and I'm holding it together for her because I hate her seeing me like this.  I know I am lucky.  If I had nothing else I would be a lucky man for having Holly in my life.  And no, I'm not forgetting all my precious pets.  But man, I sometimes just find it hard to just be.  Sometimes I'm just full of self loathing.  I don't know how to explain it.  And at the same time, I feel like the biggest crybaby tool on the planet, and should just man up and realize that there are tons of people that have it worse than me.  That is very true.  I have a home.  I have no debt.  I just need to stop making stupid instant decisions like subscribing to DirecTV with NFL Sunday Ticket plus the extra Super Fan pass, or spending thirty dollars on a movie poster when it's nowhere near my birthday, and I'm trying to build a savings for a future that's more important than any limited memorabilia.

It's almost 2 in the morning, I've taken two hydrocodone,  I have to be up at 7 in the morning for work, and I don't care.  I can't sleep.  I just feel bad that the light of the laptop and the pitter-patter om me typing on the keyboard are probably disturbing her slumber.  And even though she is off tomorrow, nobody deserves to have their slumber disturbed.

The ironic thing is this is probably only going to be read by the person I wouldn't want reading it.

I'm just sick of the pain.